big matt

last night we went vip to le you, a club full of beautiful people who know it. one table, a comfy sofa and a bottle of whiskey that cost as much as kester spent going to the toilet (50c a time), made us feel very important people indeed. did you know that €95 for the bottle was actually a good deal? no, it took me some convincing too...

but boy, did we get our money's worth. if the belgians didn't know how to dance before last night, me and dobbo taught them. representing the uk on the continent, gaying it up has rarely been so successful.

left about 5:30, to the disappointment of kester, who'd managed to pull a woman with the frissiest hair this side of the geraardsbergen. she spoke no english, but that didn't matter as they spoke in tongues. if only she knew that he was to wake up in bed with a man for the second consecutive morning ;)

oh, and as we left the club, guess what kester did? yep, tip the doorman (that's hypocritical).

Labels: españa

going to brussels for this weekend to see kester.

flights from madrid to brussels were rather expensive, so i thought
i'd break my ryanair virginity and fly to brussels from valladolid
(where is that?).

- i paid €25 return for my flight. thats a bargain.
- i then paid €18.99 in taxes - not to bad, its gotta be expected.
- i then paid €10.18 in an 'aviation levy' (for the privilege of
flying on an aeroplane, obviously).
- i then paid €20 on a three hour bus ticket to get me to the spanish airport.
- and when i landed, i paid another €10.50 to get me to the city i
wanted to be in.

when i arrived at valladolid airport three hours early, my flight was
second from the top on the departures list. there were eight check-in
desks and one shop.

i left spain during a snow storm, on a plane that was desinged by
linda barker; the backs of the seats were yellow and the rest of the
plane was blue. there were no seat pockets, so the emergency
procedures were stuck to the back of the seat in front. sitting
normally was a constant reminder of what to do if the play caught fire
or the oxygen failed.

i will never do it again - i flew from a barn in spain, to a barn in
belgium. seriously folks, spend the money on a proper flight with a
proper airline.

Labels: españa

went to the bank today to get me some extra cash for my excursion to
brussels. i have to go into the bank everytime i want money and
withdraw it myself, because i don't have a bank card.

i opened my bank account beginning of november; they promised a card
in three weeks. when it didn't arrive, i assumed it was being hand
crafted at barclays hq in england, before being sent to the moon for
processing and flown directly to spain via a relay of one-winged
insects.

almost three months later, they told me that my card will arrive this
week. i signed my piece of paper and asked if i could collect it
friday morning before boarding my 3 hour bus to the airport for my
flight to brussels (ryanair, i will deal with at a later date).

she thought for a little while. 'let's see, today is
tuesday...wednesday, thursday, fri...hmmm, it's possible that that
will be a little soon.'

barclays don't open saturdays.

at what point was my card going to arrive this week, eh?

Labels: españa

you meet some stupid people.

i met one this weekend who said that you couldn't get decent chinese
food in spain. i contested, 'i've had excellent chinese in madrid, it
was really nice.'

'nope,' she replied, 'it's not as good as in america. same with
mexican. mexican food sucks here, but in america it rocks because
mexico is next to california.'

'but chinese can still be good if it's not cooked in china,' i said.

'no it can't.'

i put on my confused face. before, deciding to ram her into the ground
with what she'd just said.

'so if mexican is so good because mexico borders america, why is
chinese food so good in america and not spain?' surely, if china
borders neither america nor spain, they should both be equally bad at
cooking chinese food.

i wasn't disappointed with the response. she raised both hands,
shoulder width apart.

'er, helloo,' she said, 'china (indicating with her right hand).
america (indicating with her left).'

'what the...?' i had one question. i asked it. 'what about the PACIFIC OCEAN?'

no response. she had obviously been thinking of canada.

Labels: españa

there's some crackin' little adverts on telly at the moment.

one for coffee called bonka. in typical coffee advert style, there's
lots of romantic, swirling, brown images of a man and a woman with a
rousing classical accompaniment. all is normal until the end, when
this deep, booming voice says 'BONKA' - classic.

the other one is for special k, so you may have seen it. a woman,
dressed in nothing but toit hot pants and a bra, walks into the
bathroom to weigh herself. as she stands on the scales a big brown
foot pushes on the back, making her weight go up. she is distraught.
as the camera pans out, the owner of the foot is revealed; a menacing
looking christmas tree, complete with decorations. brilliant.

gotta be noted that i've fallen in love with a couple of cars thanks
to their tv adverts. firstly, the new honda civic - phwoar.



and secondly, the new fiat punto (which i don't think is in england yet) -
phwoar, also.

Labels: españa

came across this article in the paper earlier this week (link).

the pictured skip is on my street, in front of a sex shop that is in
the process of being 'refurbished'. as a result, on the day in
question it was being filled with dirty magazines. the headline reads,
'hot magazines in a cold skip.'

i can actually see the skip from my mini-balcony; but by the time i
got home to have a look, the magazines had been covered over with
about a ton of hardcore.

Labels: españa

i'm getting quite good at this interculturalism.

i ate my dinner yesterday with my french housemate. we talked in
spanish whilst he made harry potter and billy elliott jokes (which i
will never get tired of hearing...)

he was impressed with my cooking skills; lucky, as this was the first
night since i've lived there i haven't had pasta.

(it was pizza, if you're interested, with yes, avocado. old habits die
hard, eh boys!!)

Labels: españa

first day back. where do i start. so much to say, here goes...

- landing at luton airport in december was a culture shock. no
'welcome to england' signs, only a cctv camera and a no smoking
poster. the queue at immigration went on for about twenty minutes,
winding around those rope barriers amongst signs that tell you to
'stay in line'. pointless. WHERE ELSE CAN YOU GO??

the immigration woman ignored my passport photo and instead ran it
excrutiatingly slowly through a computer - because it obviously had
better eyes.

baggage for four flights came out on one belt, whilst the other two
went round empty; blatantly taking the piss.

needless to say, luton was perhaps not the best place to start my return.

- ramsey, however, was tonking. passive cancer is alive and well in
the george (do they need air con or what?!) and i hadn't realised how
much i'd missed strongbow.

- new years eve in london was awesome. drunk jane and fat laura were
on form, as were the million stampeding people on westminster bridge
and that peace protester i swore at. multicultural london at its best.
35 people were stabbed (link).

- bezzer st ezzer was also good fun. sitting in the dog and partridge
eating 'tapas' that consisted of cumberland sausage washed down with a
pint of ipa (hmm, really traditional). was good to see turner in home
surroundings, even if he does have shit taste in shoe shops (what were
you thinking?!).

- and in a sheer stroke of luck, i left just as celebrity big brother
started. lucky that, because i was about to get annoyed that an mp was
in there - no wonder our politicians gain no respect.

Labels: españa