big matt

eighty year old gem

2007-01-17T17:21:00.000Z

i've been trying to find a book from 1927 for an essay i'm writing.
eventually found a review of it written in 1928 which summarises:

'the book is written with spirit and zest. one or two errors of
diction have crept in. on p.8 the word 'obstreperous' is used in the
sense of refractory, and on p.153 'flaunted' should obviously have
been 'flouted'.'

obviously. god i'm glad we have television nowadays.

john bunnell

2007-01-15T23:18:00.000Z

i've found a new legend. you may recognise him from such tv programmes as worlds wildest police chases.

admittedly, it's a recent obsession but i've selected my favourites from youtube. first, an introduction if you don't know him. second, john bunnell explaining the most important thing you need when you 'roll' onto a crime scene. and finally, (and possibly his finest work) his over-the-top commentary about a really bland incident.

plus some of his quotes are just out of this world, such as 'these guys paid with their lives... in jail!' and 'crash test dummies volunteer their lives so we can be safer on the roads.'

but remember people, 'violence... it can happen to us, at any time, at any place'

football related

2007-01-12T10:16:00.001Z

if beckham says its not for the money, why not settle for something
less than the world's biggest football contract?

that's one massive rabbit

2007-01-09T23:47:00.000Z

probably the coolest rabbit i've ever seen.

giant rabbits are definately making it into the animal top 5.

the ford five hundred

2007-01-08T17:27:00.000Z

hah! look at this new ford.

a groundbreaking boxy, flat, unattractive design - the americans are gonna love it.

did you know the university has a library?!

2007-01-07T11:20:00.000Z

no? well just have a look at this, it isn't a joke.

do you know what, in all honesty, i never knew the university had a library. i better get myself along and see what it looks like and how it works.

that would make my final year a lot easier.

mugs

2007-01-06T11:12:00.000Z

just found this page, which has (somehow) catalogued the mug shots of
celebrities after they've been arrested.

r kelly, nicole richie, michael jackson, 50 cent, bill gates...they're
all there.

home furnishings fury

2007-01-05T23:25:00.000Z

is anyone else sick to the back teeth of bleedin' sofa adverts on the telly?

and who wants to buy one at 9am on boxing day?

fancy a chuckle...

2007-01-04T23:21:00.000Z

how easy must it be to get a job at the sun? if i dreamt up the most
ridiculous story imaginable, i could probably justify it with loosely
based facts and quotes.

if borat can wind up the kazakhs over his movie, surely someone should
be outraged that britains most widely read newspaper (god, it pained
me to write that) claims romanians and bulgarians will spread aids
throughout europe.

read it and weep.

who steals bike seats?

2006-12-21T01:48:00.001Z

whilst i was at work, some pikey stole the seat off my bike.

it was bloody locked to my bike frame with a bloody bike lock aswell.

now i have to stand up when i want to get anywhere.

i'll be looking on ebay for a 'second hand daewoo bike seat, five year
old, very worn and very nicked.'

the little f******.

dear santa...

2006-12-18T14:31:00.001Z

chances of sex better

2006-12-16T09:59:00.000Z

climate change is giving seals a better chance of making love.

the higher temperatures force seals off the coast of scotland to travel further to find fresh water and as a result give the weaker males a better chance of pulling.

funny, we were talking about this last night and how we don't like climate change because it means less polar bears, thus more seals, thus less penguins. unfortunately for the seals, polar bears and penguins are up there in the top five list of animals (along with puffins and otters).

this madness could have drastic effects on our chart.

lucky dog

2006-12-15T00:18:00.001Z

what do you get if you mix sally gunnell, steve redgrave (knight of
the realm) and myleene klass with a team of elite agility dogs?

the london 2012 official lottery scratchcard ofcourse...

iFact

2006-12-14T09:27:00.000Z

apparently, only 22 songs for every ipod sold have been bought through itunes.

why are you in ipswich?

2006-12-13T09:34:00.000Z

the killer on the loose in ipswich is big news.

but why does the bbc (and everyone else) feel they have to send their head honcho to broadcast live from ipswich? huw edwards can read a script just as well in ipswich as he can in london.

plus, the beeb have tonnes of journalists there already who could surely do what huw does. it just looks stupid when he passes over 'live for an update' to someone else who is probably not even a mile from where he's stood.

what i think is worse is that when the bbc (and everyone else) think the story is not as important, they all run back to london. the manhunt they reported on earlier this week from ipswich is still going on, so why isn't it as important? plus, these hookers have been disappearing for five weeks now, and huw edwards didn't trot off to suffolk then did he?

it's all about making news look more important than it is or...what's that other word...oh yeh, hype.

whatever flickrs your upload quota

2006-12-06T16:15:00.000Z

so i'm doing some surfing on flickr.

stumbled across a comment in a photo, by a jeff_bgcc and naturally,
click on his profile to look at what kind of photographic genius he
has to show to the world.

on one of his photos i find a comment by a certain peter ellis.
intrigued by peter ellis' profile picture (an elderly man) and what
he's up to leaving comments on pictures of semi naked girls, i follow
the link to his profile to discover he is a 70 year old MARRIED man.

peter has uploaded photos of his son, holidays etc and it all seems
rather innocent. however, his wife obviously has no idea how to use
the internet as peter has 1,297 contacts who all appear to be...ahem,
rather young women who enjoy showing off.

'why stop now?' i thought, and followed a link to vantagesmoker's
photos where i discover a photo of his wife and a rather suggestive
question which i shall let you read for yourself. needless to say,
some weirdo's have indeed answered the question with some gusto and
rather extensive thought (including peter ellis).

most vulgar comment goes to rubedog, whose photo album is somewhat
self centered.

this is unfortunately where the trail ends. i could have continued
clicking, but found the blog potential too much to contain.

i would like to raise this question. do they not realise the world
(including peter ellis' wife) knows what they're up to?!

you know you've been had

2006-11-27T22:23:00.001Z

having wandered into kester's room the other day, i notice he's bought
a new mouse.

'the world's most advance mouse' claims the packaging. not only does
it look like deep space nine but it has a laser, is 128bit encrypted
and can levitate.

but he doesn't like his new mouse. he doesn't like the wheel, it
doesn't fit his browsing habits. what is concerning though, is that
this one cost set him back £52.18.

think about that for a moment. £52.18. thats over $300.

the one he wants will not be as good as the one he has, after all,
this gem is the world's most advanced mouse. i believe the mouse he
wants is yet to be invented...but that's not the point - FIFTY TWO
QUID ON A MOUSE!!

the name's bond, james ford sony bond

2006-11-21T21:23:00.000Z

last night, we jumped on the bandwagon and went to see bond.

it was a really good film, the first few scenes were fantastic (even
if slightly familiar seen as i'd watched many documentaries on 'how
they made the casino royale stunts')

the thing that made me chuckle was the blatant product placement by
anything sony or vaguely related to ford. at least the virgin plane
was supplemented with a cameo richard branson being frisked at the
airport security gate.

from the moment bond picks up his mondeo hire car in the bahamas,
every car you see in the film is a ford company one; range rovers,
jaguars, volvos and (of course) aston martins. though it was only
occassionally a bit annoying (the digital camera on the boat in
venice), it was actually quite funny.

hard sell doesn't even come close.

tracked by thunderbird 5

2006-11-14T11:22:00.000Z

i fail to see the point of satellite tracking sex offenders.

i don't really get how the public being able to see sex offenders as
red dots on their tomtom satnav helps them protect their children. so
a perve lives down your street, what are you going to do? move house?
throw eggs?

the guy from banardos was on bbc this morning saying that 80% of all
children who are abused know and trust the adults who do it.

in my opinion, funding prevention is much more important than funding
satellites.

this one's a bit boring, but worth a mention

2006-11-11T13:09:00.000Z

something which i noticed during my time in madrid, was how the
spanish consider their nation a hotspot for groundbreaking modern
architecture. despite the fact it's mainly foreign compaines who
design these things, the collection of stunning landmarks is ever
increasing.

collecting hannah from barajas airport t4 was actually one of the
highlights of my year - when dropped off by the bus on the main artery
road, you have the car parks on your left and the terminal on your
right, both connected via glass bridges. directly below the road you
can see the platforms already dug into the ground where the metro
station will (eventually) go, dropping you slap bang in the centre of
the airport. accessibility is something they've really mastered
(despite building it about 15km from the other three terminals).

visiting valencia over the summer you can't help but notice the city
of science and arts, a bright white space age complex that is sits
perfectly amongst gardens and major roads.

and today, images of the valencia's new 75,000 seater football stadium
have been released, which also looks like it's just landed from
another solar system. i know these concept drawings are meant to look
impressive, but going on the spanish track record, i've got a feeling
it's gonna look pretty fantastic...

facebook fun

2006-11-10T16:24:00.000Z

i logged into facebook today to find that i apparently now live in the
ivory coast.

just for those of you who aren't aware, the ivory coast is here in africa.

as far as i can figure out, there isn't even a ramsey in the ivory
coast...it obviously got mistaken for niakaramandougou or
duangolodougou...or even bangolo.

who knows, but just for clarification, my hometown is ramsey,
cambridgeshire, united kingdom.

fat kids have it easy

2006-11-06T10:47:00.000Z

was watching jamie's return to school dinners, where jamie oliver goes
back to see how his quest to revolutionise school dinners is going.

in one school, he tried confiscating the junk food that kids bought on
the way to school as soon as they walked in the gates. by taking it
away from them, they had to spend their money on the healthier
alternative of school lunch. and it worked.

he took this proposal to tony blair, who was understandably hesitant
about rolling it out across the entire country. he was sceptical about
the school having the power to decide what children should and
shouldn't buy and eat on the way to school. free country, individual
choice and all that.

but if this confiscation affects individual liberties, how come
teachers do it with cigarettes? it works on exactly the same
principal; smoking is unhealthy and shortens your life, which is why
you get your fags taken. likewise, eating crap is unhealthy and
shortens your life too; yet they get to keep (and eat) what causes
this.

obesity from eating badly must be an equal (if not worse threat) to
today's generation as cancer from smoking is, yet for some reason,
it's treated very differently.

the gillette fusion power experience

2006-11-03T12:18:00.000Z

for my 22nd birthday, kester bought me a gillette fusion power razor.

now, as i've written before, i'm a little sceptical about the
marketing of new gillette razors, seen as every new one simply has one
more blade than the last. i don't know why they don't just put ten on
the next one and spare us the david beckham ads..oh yes, of course,
they'd make less money.

anyway, this badboy is top of the range. it's got five blades (plus a
sixth in reverse position) and looks like the star trek
enterprise...and it vibrates.

i was a little wary about using the battery powered functions of the
razor at first (i must admit the five blades really do a good job),
but i took the plunge.

shaving with a vibrating razor is definately not the best a man can
get. my bristle was simply stuck between five blades whilst this
vibrating contraption tugged at it, making it feel like my mini-beard
was being ripped from the follacles.

i feel this feature of the razor could be better used to notify you of
when you're due a shave; letting it vibrate on the shelf is definately
less painful than all over your chin.

what would scully say?

2006-10-31T15:49:00.000Z

the intro to neighbours on bbc one today was brilliant.

'coming up, lynn and paul get it on down under...'

eugh...dirty

foxy

2006-10-30T10:37:00.000Z

saw three foxes walking home from the nightbus on saturday night.

i've never really seen them close up before, and they're a bit spooky. really gristly legs, pointy noses and generally grubby looking.

what was weird was how close they came to us. completely unbothered two drunk, tired humans walking towards them, they crossed the road about fifteen metres in front and stared at us when they reached the pavement. then they'd lope into someone's front garden and just disappear. we saw all three run through peoples front gates and by the time we reached the house in question...they'd gone.

i'd love to know where they went.

daytime television

2006-10-25T15:57:00.000+01:00

why doesn't the woman in dictionary corner on countdown enter as a contestant?

she always gets better answers than the other two.

the party

2006-10-23T13:33:00.000+01:00

saturday saw me celebrate my coming of age in unparalelled style.

there are photos and i shall be putting them online shortly. however, i'll warn you now, i've never seen a worse set of photos...ever.

i am pretty pleased at how many photos were taken though, seen as very few of them i remember taking or taking part in. jane's damage to our clock has caused me great concern seen as i don't remember laughing so hard, or why it was so funny.

likewise, i didn't remember filming nicola snorting vodka off a bottle top...or hannah dancing with a scheisenburger...or sitting in my room all night (no, hang on, that was kester).

we woke up sunday morning to find the kitchen covered in cake and joe with little recollection of how hard he tried (bless him) to get it on. kester's condition just isn't worth mentioning, though now you know why we call him 'grumpy'.

thanks to everyone who came, especially those who travelled (i think i tried to mention them all in a speech) and apologies to anyone who i insulted - there's bound to be a few.

the birthday

2006-10-20T09:15:00.000+01:00

twenty two years ago today, matthew david 'kanye' robinson was born in the special baby care unit at hinchinbrooke hospital, huntingdon, cambridgeshire. the time was 17:56.

today, matt weighs 72.5 kilos, has magical brown eyes and is still incapable of shaving without bleeding (i've eight years experience, how is that possible?)

one year ago today, matt was living in madrid and teaching english. he celebrated his birthday with a weird ginger person who squeaked mid-sentence and had gastric issues.

by the time matt is 23, he will have been forced to confront the challenges of the future and actually decide what he wants to do with his life.

but until then, let's party...

the world's worst bank

2006-10-17T21:09:00.000+01:00

met up with joe in london on sunday and had a lovely time at
spittalfields market (jon snow was there, as were jim and andrea corr,
but i digress).

needing to withdraw cash in order to afford lunch, i tried at a
cashpoint (normally the best place for cash withdrawals these days).
no luck. oh well, joe will just have to pay for it.

arriving back at liverpool street and in need of oyster top-up, my
card was once again declined by the (far too large) self-service
machines and at the ticket office.

once again, joe stepped in with his bank card.

when we got home, i called hsbc (always an interesting experience) and
was told that their servers had crashed, explaining why my card had
been declined.

completely useless. had i not had a friend with an account at a
different bank, willing to spend £20 on me because of hsbc's
incompetence, i couldn't have got home.

it actually really annoyed me. thank god i wasn't in a situation where
i had no option but to use my card...like a brothel.

renaissance and india 99

2006-10-13T00:18:00.000+01:00

watched a cracking film this afternoon called renaissance.

it's french, looks a bit similar to sim city, all black and white high
contrast and is visually stunning. storyline was a bit cliché but it
worth putting up with just for the superb animation.

the car chase in the middle of the film was my fave part, flying
through the centre of paris in a citreon from 2054 - what more do you
want from a film?!

just wish that when i draw the curtains, lie down and turn on a film,
i wouldn't fall asleep.

speaking of car chases, i watched sky cops last night. this week they were in london and i was surprised at how many armed incidents they got called to. however, i don't think there are many things more comforting than seeing an armed suspect being driven into and floored by ten plus cops with machine guns.

billion pound balls-up

2006-10-05T14:03:00.000+01:00

tesco's self service checkouts are rubbish.

suddenly nipping into tesco for a couple of bits and bobs becomes a
stressful pain in the baps.

today, i bought two tiger rolls. i was quite happy to wait in the
basket aisle to pay, seen as they didn't have barcodes. the manager
saw me, and asked if i would like to use the self service checkout
instead. she obviously thought it would save time, seen as the queue
for the till was huge and no-one was using the self service checkouts
(i wonder why).

it took the help of four women to find my rolls, hidden deep within
the menus and sub-menus of this impossible system. my mountain of
change (and receipt) came out of three different places.

i have never used self-service and it been an uneventful or quick
experience. the fact is, tesco staff know how to use tesco systems,
which is why you go to the till. customers don't, which is why you
always want to scream at the top of your voice 'BUT I HAVE PLACED MY
ITEMS IN THE BAG!!'

university blues

2006-10-03T18:31:00.000+01:00

portsmouth is once again alive with students.

the sweet smell of clean but sick stained carpets brought back a lot
of memories when i visited halls at the weekend.

went out to tiger tiger last night. being surrounded by all these
energetic freshers bouncing off the ceiling on double vodka red bulls
didn't half make me feel old. it took fifteen quid for me to get into
the mood.

am i really too old for this?

it's only three years ago that i was clutching three drinks to save
time going to the bar, and walking nervously through crowds of people
who'd obviously had much more experience than me at the whole
nightclub thing.

in a relatively short amount of time, i've...well, grown up i suppose.
the whole student experience seems over before the final year's even
started.

there's still one more year though; now's the time to get pissed responsibly.

my new apartment

2006-09-28T09:53:00.000+01:00

me and hannah were looking in estate agent windows on knightsbridge at the weekend and found this beauty.

she's for rent and comes furnished or unfurnished, but for the price (bottom right), i'd get as much included as possible.

i'm a normal person, get me out of here

2006-09-27T10:34:00.000+01:00

i watched the most infuriating tv programme on bbc2 last night - home.

basically, the cameras go into peoples homes across the country to prove that we are all individuals. the worst bit was watching upper class nonces furniture shopping. they spent thousands on...crap. the furniture was alright, but i suspect that if you put furniture for sale at your local tip in a stylish warehouse furniture store, you could make a packet selling it to these idiots.

they also follow interior designers with horrendously big budgets doing up a room. now, personally, i don't think you need any qualifications to be an interior designer; you just need good taste. this bloke last night did nothing outrageous, he chose nice furniture, nice tv, nice carpet - it was nice. i could have done it.

fortunately, the series ended last night. phew.

bloody old people

2006-09-26T12:47:00.000+01:00

in tesco yesterday, i was waiting at the customer service desk for the person in front to finish. when she'd done, a bloke in a mobility scooter drove between me and the desk on the way to the magazines.

now this mobility scooter was a biggun. it had headlights, baskets and horn. the protective polythene curtains protected the old fart inside from any sort of abuse (as well as the weather). he had unzipped the curtain on the drivers side to moan at anyone who was in the way to move. it must have been pushing six foot tall and was, basically, a nuisance.

the damn thing was too big to take in a supermarket. i marvelled at the way he caused complete chaos navigating around the magazines in his 'pop's pram'. he had a stick in the back with him; why didn't he park it outside and hobble to the magazines?!

better still, order his magazine online and get the tesco van to deliver it into his lounge (through his front garden fence, over the lawn and through the front door).

now that's smart

2006-09-20T19:02:00.000+01:00

suddenly the perfect city car can trounce those traffic jams aswell.

does it come with alloys?

photos and facebook

2006-09-18T20:45:00.000+01:00

i've moved the links to my photo galleries from the sidebar on the
right to a different site, just follow the link under 'photos.'

in other news, i've discovered facebook and exposed my uni and school
life to the world. i've never seen the appeal of trusting the internet
with your favourite movies, tv shows etc, but this is something
different. make me your friend!!

september 11th

2006-09-13T11:28:00.000+01:00

the five year anniversary of the 9/11 attacks was summed up for me
perfectly by this headline in the independent.

'a cataclysmic day eclipsed by america's military reaction'

how incredible that all the events of the last five years can be
summarised in such a concise, accurate sentence.

the burberry isle

2006-09-10T17:32:00.000+01:00

moved into my new student flat for the final year of uni last week.

spacious, light and equipped with full fire alarm system (includng
those break glass boxes) it'll do just fine. managed to manoeuvre my
bicycle down the flight of stairs to the front door and steamed out
the door to see the sea.

for all of portsmouths downfalls (yep, every single chav) i love it.
seeing the solent, the isle of wight and the pride of portsmouth
(ferry) just feels so good, so familiar. this year will be so
different from previous, due to the absence of those who've already
graduated, but i can't wait to call pompey my home again.

plus, bbc south today's mike powell and roger johnson will continue to
make my evenings, with their constant dicking about on live tv.

bring it on.

pukka

2006-09-03T18:06:00.000+01:00

a university of leicester study has discovered that 88% of happily
married couples have similarly sized lips.

and you wonder why we don't get grants anymore...

amshterdam

2006-08-30T14:13:00.000+01:00

i spent the bank holiday weekend in amsterdam.

its a really interesting place, with bars serving similar stuff to
what we're used to at home (although i'm not to sure if that's down to
dutch cuisine or another case of 'brits-abroad' syndrome).

what was impressive was the fact absolutely EVERYONE speaks english.
now this isn't just the drug dealers or hookers, this is young and
old, bus drivers and car park attendants, the freshen-up guys and the
bloke you're stood next to...the lot.

the ability of the entire population to switch between dutch and
english is nothing but staggering. so much so, i learnt not one dutch
word all weekend - it just wasn't necessary.

i'm told the reason for this is that they learn their second lanuage
(english) from the same age as their first (dutch), making them just
as competent in both languages. phenomenal.

i'd like to ask one simple question: why don't we do that in britain?

arse levels

2006-08-18T13:45:00.000+01:00

with yesterday's a level results came the usual bs about how much
easier they're getting laa laa laa.

well, i don't believe they are getting easier; i think more people are
passing because the teachers are getting better at teaching them how
to pass.

when i was at school, rather than learning the subject, we learnt how
to pass the exam. working down the list of criteria needed to make the
grade, ticking the boxes as we went, meant we knew exactly what
needed to be done to pass.

secondly, what they teach doesn't change, so they can't be getting
easier because the syllabuses are the same year in year out.

finally, it must really piss you off if you're hearing how easy the
exams are, but haven't made the grade for your university place.

the adios

2006-06-30T12:31:00.000+01:00

today, i'm going home.

so, what am i going to miss...

- fo shizzle, the people i've met this year, the teachers, the kids
but especially the three j's and the n. the final set of photos (links
on the right) prove how wicked cool this years drinking pals have been
- the fact you can go out at 11 and crawl home at 6 in the morning
- the amount of vodka (i really mean campari) they pour in your glass
- being wedged in a metro carriage in 30ºc heat underneath someones
sweaty armpit - you just can't beat it
- the weather
- tiqui taca tiqui taca

and what i won't miss...

- that EVERYTHING except the cinema closes on a sunday
- our flat being treated like a hotel for any weirdo who wants to come to madrid
- arrogant madrileños
- spanish banks and their cumbersome paper based way of doing things

having said all that, i am thoroughly ready to come home. it's been a
blast blogfans, i couldn't have asked for anything more.

until i see you all in person...adios

cringe

2006-06-29T10:41:00.000+01:00

popped over to the beach to spend some quality time with alice and joe
and had a fantastic time (not least because of the inflatable
volleyball set for the pool).

it's a beautiful part of spain although there's very little spanish
about it. the town (moraira) is not a package holiday destination,
it's more a place of villas and families - very few hotels, even fewer
chavs. it's the kind of place where families have owned houses for
generations and as a result, the town has grown to accomodate the
englishes.

we watched the football in a pub on sunday, full of daily mail
readers, roast beef and bread and butter pudding on the menu, not a
spaniard in sight.

later that night, when i ordered my drink in spanish, the barwoman
replied in a liverpudlian accent how she'd lived in spain for eight
years and doesn't speak a word of spanish.

the embarassing thing is, it's possible. this place is like living in
england. whilst the land is spanish, the people, the shopowners, the
number plates, the barowners are all english.

the even more embarassing thing is, it doesn't feel like living in
spain; it feels like living in england...just with better weather.
very odd indeed.

ya

2006-06-22T09:17:00.000+01:00

today is my last day at work.

whilst in reality, time has gone quite slowly (well at normal pace) it
seems like only yesterday when i walked into this school for the first
time, extended my hand to the deputy head and was promptly kissed on
both cheeks.

it's fair to say, i knew very little back then about how things worked
in this country (not least the bleedin' language). the majority of
embarassing situations have been caused by not understanding. i feel
my skin has grown thicker this year, because every time you make a tit
out of yourself (and that's happened to me quite a bit) you learn
something. being embarassed about cocking up in spanish doesn't bother
me anymore, everyone knows i'm not a native so why worry about making
mistakes.

if we're going to get philosophical, i believe learning a language is
all about confidence. if you have to confidence to try, to cock up and
not mind, to admit that you don't understand, the faster you learn -
which is why i think teaching english from such a young age is
fantastic.

the kids have english lessons from age 3 in my school (personally, i
think it should be 4) but it still amazes me that children who are
only just learning how to use their own language have a competence in
english. yesterday, my classes performed english theatre for their
parents - forty 6/7 year olds did a play completely in english. is
that not impressive?

even though it's the last day, i'm not leaving til the 30th, so
there's probably time for another post. until next time blogfans...

sweet, sweet payback

2006-06-15T10:01:00.000+01:00

i don't know if you remember, but quite a while ago i was taken for a
fool by an american who told me he needed help (read it).

his story was that he had been in a car accident and needed money to
stay in a hotel for the night as he'd got seperated from his friends.
he 'borrowed' €10 from me, agreeing to meet me the next day to return
the money...but, unsurprisingly, never showed.

since then, the same bloke has been spotted by many people, praying on
english speaking people in madrid. i'd been waiting until i saw him
again...and last night it happened.

there was four of us, and each person had seen him in action at some
point this year. we all gave him a bit of stick, telling him he owed
me money, that he should move to another city cos everyone's heard it
all before and lying to good natured people was very very wrong
indeed. then he came out with a cracker.

'well, my parents have met bin laden,' he said.

belter. that suddenly makes everything ok then...

reflections

2006-06-13T10:59:00.000+01:00

last night, for some unknown reason, i was suddenly hit by the
realisation i've only got another week at work.

for weeks now, i've been saying how few weeks i've got left and what a
shame it is that i'll be leaving, just to entertain the people who ask
me; i never really thought the time would actually arrive.

but having had an awesome weekend away with my favourite work
colleagues, i've realised what a real shame it is i'm
leaving...especially seen as i've just settled in.

you see, the year breaks down like this - the first six months
involved a daily communication failure leading to general
embarassment. the next two, involved me actually being able to hold
conversations, and the last one has just been a blast.

this year, my skin has definately grown thicker from living
independently where you don't necessarily understand how things
function, but (i'm afraid to say) i'm actually getting a bit emotional
about leaving.

soy mono tonto 2

2006-05-29T11:45:00.000+01:00

was out and about in madrid over the weekend and spotted another
crackin' english t-shirt slogan.

it was worn by a woman, who blatantly had no idea that 'kiss me, i'm a
prince' is a funny thing to be worn by a female.

boy, was that funny.

surface area of telegraph = one squash court

2006-05-19T17:50:00.000+01:00

with the hot weather continuing in madrid, I picked myself up a copy
of the the daily telegraph and headed to the park for a spot of
sun-worshipping.

now, the daily telegraph isn't my favourite of newspapers; i get a
little bored of every story being blamed on immigrants, prostitutes
and labour.

the letters page confirmed my suspicion that daily telegraph readers
really are the winiest bunch of moaning old farts imaginable. water
bans, immigrants, council tax, the home office, the nhs and eurovision
are just some of the topics that are 'sending this country down the
pan.'

were i a telegraph reader, the first thing i would complain about
would be the ridiculous size of the damn thing. turning each page is
like flying a kite. the articles are so far away from your eyes, you
ideally need someone to read them to you. the incredible thing is, if
they made the adverts regular size, it would be a regular sized
newspaper.

personally, i believe cumbersome newspapers to be the root of all
britain's problems.

clean streets, a tired matt

2006-05-17T12:14:00.000+01:00

it's hot in madrid at the moment.

unseasonally high temperatures of 30ºc+ have made the weekends rather
nice, but being at work miserable and sleeping impossible. my current
sleeping attire includes not very much (steady boys), although even
with the windows open, it's uncomfortable.

add to the equation last night two men who decided to wash the street
outside...at 5:30 in the morning. the madrid street cleaning team
included;

- one (noisy) truck, filled with water
- one (noisy) high pressure hose
- two (noisy) brushes
- one (noisy) man, shouting instructions to the other man (who was
quiet, although made nosiy by his noisy brush)

all in all, i wasn't that impressed.

soy mono tonto

2006-05-12T17:55:00.000+01:00

one of the great things about living in spain is the fact that it's
fashionable to wear clothes that have english slogans on. after all, a
t shirt says a lot about a person; and what it says about the people
that wear them here, is that they don't speak english.

one kid came to school last week and stood watching the other boys
play football at playtime, obviously a little upset he'd been left
out. in the end, someone came to ask him to play, but i couldn't help
thinking the reason he hadn't been involved from the start was because
his mum had dressed him in a jumper that said 'girl' across the front
of it.

i mean, honestly...

strike

2006-05-10T14:12:00.000+01:00

today, the teachers are on strike.

this means that apart from me and jane, there were two other teachers
at school today (normally there's 20+); neither of them were english
teachers. thirty kids turned up in total (parents had the choice of
whether to bring them to school or not), which left the english
classes to us.

fortunately, english teaching involves colouring in, singing, dancing
and general malarky if your students are 6 or 7.

all meaning that today has been a rather regular day and not quite as
bad as i'd expected.

i work in big buildings

2006-05-08T11:49:00.000+01:00

i have a new housemate. he is from a baltic country and is a little strange.

'smalltalk' is something he takes very personally and isn't
particularly good at it. i asked him what he did in madrid, he looked
me straight in the eyes (when i say that, i mean he eyeballed my soul)
and said 'i work in security.'

he laughs like a maniac and his eyebrows turn up at the ends. he
thinks very carefully about everything he says, which makes
conversations both awkward and unnecessarily long. plus, he lives
opposite my room.

for the first time since living in that flat, i've been locking my
door when i go to bed...

the beach

2006-05-03T12:38:00.000+01:00

the beach was awesome (photos on right). cracking pool, bit of swimming in the sea and plenty of beach bat. four days thoroughly well spent.

the driving wasn't too bad either. thankfully, the sweats didn't accumulate during the drive, which made things much more pleasant. the car was an opel meriva (see photo) - yep, that's right, it's a shoe box with wheels.

it had a huge post between the drivers door and windscreen, which made turning left look like a scene from ace ventura (see photo). all in all though, i almost mastered how to drive spanish style: i used my horn extensively (occasionally without reason) though refused to drive 5 metres behind the car in front - thats the recommended distance in place of the two second rule.

in terms of photos, there's some more where's pickles photos (i know you enjoyed the first instalment), pictures of when my street turned into a river and some town i visited. enjoy.

driving on the wrong-side

2006-04-26T11:57:00.001+01:00

this weekend is an extra long bank holiday. tomorrow, we're off to the beach...and i'm driving. i've been studying the driving etiquette of the spanish and its safe to say you drive as close as you can, with elbow on horn.

the hire car is from the airport, and should be a 5 door with air con. the suggestion is a fiat stilo. no matter what kind of car it is, i keep getting blind panics about driving on the wrong side of the road - they hit me with a cold sweat (which i suppose is better than a meat sweat, but still...)

i normally wake up about 4 in the morning (just before my nightly wee) thinking 'dear god, what the hell im i about to attempt?! sliproads, the wrong way round?! gearstick on the right?! overtaking on the left?!'

needless to say, these sweats normally pass. for example, at the moment, i'm not feeling that worried...though the nightly wee is yet to come...

six day weeks

2006-04-24T08:33:00.000+01:00

sundays are challenging.

yesterday, myself and james took ourselves to play squash at a public
sports centre. it was a bit of a trek, so imagine our disappointment
to find the sports centre closed...because it's sunday.

it still doesn't cease to amaze me how everything closes here on
sundays - seriosuly, the only things to do are go to the church or go
to the cinema.

having successfully tagged all my ipod songs a little while ago, i
actually had to read a book yesterday. yeh, i know. suddenly church
seems a much more appealing option.

new photos

2006-04-15T18:36:00.000+01:00

i've uploaded some more photos, including the night we went to london
to see hannah dancing. i apologise, i'm in almost all of them. the
links, as always, are on the right.

we're on a train to nowhere

2006-04-15T18:25:00.000+01:00

with a free day, i figured i'd do some day-tripping.

arriving at atocha station this morning, i was slightly naive to
expect no-one else to have had the same idea on easter saturday. the
queue was longer than 10 minutes, which was how long i had to catch
the train i'd hoped for.

change of plan; go somewhere different and closer.

on the train i jumped, aiming for another station in the north of
madrid, where i would purchase my ticket for the final destination.
twenty minutes later, im in pitis. off i head into the station to buy
my ticket.

'una ida y vuelta a el escorial' (yeh, i wasn't messing about) and
handed over my bank card.

'we don't take cards,' came the response.

incredible. i left the station to look for a cashpoint.

i don't know why pitis deserves a train AND metro station because it
is in the middle of nowhere. i couldn't even see a house. i can only
assume that marmots make use of this public transport phenomena.

so, i ended up stood on an empty platform at pitis, singing gnarls out
loud (there was no-one to hear me), rather annoyed that the only place
i'd managed to get to see was marmotville central.

live in their shoes

2006-04-04T14:03:00.000+01:00

this week and last have seen metro strikes in madrid. this generally means being squished into someone's (normally smelly) armpit as you both try to hold the same part of handrail.

but this morning, another problem of the strikes was highlighted to me by a blind girl. i find it incredible how blind people learn to move around with such apparent ease; especially on and off escalators and trains. happily walking to the metro turnstiles, this girl walked smack into a 3ft movable sign (placed directly in the path to the metro gates) informing passengers about the strikes.

coincidentally, on the tv news this morning, a wheelchair bound man has started a website containing photos of obstructions he encounters on his daily business. the pictures he had could have been of any spanish street. bricks, skips, fences, plantpots, cars, steps, buckets, pipes - all lying on the street because it's a convenient place for their owner to put it.

although not perfect in england, accessibility for disabled people has been improved quite a lot in recent years. these things proved to me that sometimes, this country is still sooo backward.

american? female? she's a jumper thief.

2006-04-03T12:07:00.000+01:00

so, once again, having used tim's blog as a way to kickstart the part
of my brain that deals with blogging, i too have a jumper stealing
story.

thursday night, we went to a €10 all-you-can-drink bar (big mistake, i
believed i pulled some significant muscles dancing to beyonce like a
tit). anyway, i had put down my jumper underneath a pile of coats on a
table only to return a little while later to find the pile gone along
with my jumper.

after some buscandoing, i decided to settle for the remaining jumper
that was for a girl, black and had a zip. later that night i spot a
girl (american) carrying my masculine, brown, non-zipped jumper
around...

'excuse me, that's my jumper'

'oh, is it?'

'yes, and i think this one's yours.'

'yeh it is. how did you know i had your jumper?'

'because i saw you carrying it'

i'm telling you tim, you're jumpers in serious danger from american girls.

you big ginger legend

2006-03-30T12:03:00.000+01:00

since xmas, i've been singing mindless songs about ice-cream, zoos and
sharing peas (click for his website, with snippets of the songs). the
point? a concert with dani. today, was that day.

dani had become a bit of a running joke in our school, the fact he
sings the blandest songs with the most annoying american accent.

well, i take it all back.

today he came to our school, and rocked. kids from four years old
going absolutely mental with some important moral lessons in between
the dancing mayhem. plus, after break i got a chance to do some
serious gangsta dancing (yep, one of the songs is a rap) with the
older kids who i don't have classes with. although they're only 10,
they've perfected they're 'what the hell are you doing, dad' look off
to a tee.

who cares. dani, you're a legend.

and i believe some of my dancing is on video camera...stay tuned!!

jumping jellyfish, batman

2006-03-26T13:15:00.000+01:00

so tim, you have lots of friends beginning with the letter 'j'? i feel
i too can compete - here goes...

i live with jen and james. james is going out with jenna, who is the
flatmate of jane (who i work with). jenna has two friends called julia
and julie and jane has a boyfriend called john.

before, i had categorised my madrid friends with an 'e' - for españa
(it seemed cool at the time) - before their name in my mobile
phonebook. one sunday morning, (hopefully a different one to the ipod
scenario) i decided to abandon this system and remove the 'e' before
everyones name.

now i realise, instead of going to 'e' in my phonebook to call anyone,
i go to 'j' - it has saved me no time at all.

jesus...i can't believe i just admitted that to the world...

ah, gnarls

2006-03-23T12:48:00.000Z

have you heard the song 'crazy' by gnarls barkley?

it goes something like 'i think you're CRAAAYAAZZZAAAYY, i think
you're CRAAAYYAAZZZAAAAAY, i think you're CRAAAYAAZZZAAAYY...etc'

no? oh well, you may be able to hear me singing it from spain (i quite like it!)

(thanks dobbo x)

whose idea was skiing?!

2006-03-20T13:34:00.000Z

went skiing on friday, well tried.

caught the bus from madrid to the town at the bottom of the mountains,
no problem. arrived about 11am at a deserted bus station with no sign
of the transfer bus to the resort. apparently it wasn't running.

off we trundle into town to catch a taxi. the only taxi driver in the
village turned up and told us that the ski resort was closed for wind.
dammit. this wouldn't have been too much of a problem, except the next
bus back to madrid didn't leave until 5pm. it was about midday.

but this town had a train station - fantastic! off to the station we
headed. about 3 miles down the road (in the middle of nowhere) we met
two men who told us that yes, indeed we were heading for the station,
but there were no trains. only in spain.

so then we found a bar and got pissed.

impossible

2006-03-15T12:40:00.000Z

when i was in london at the weekend, i couldn't help but notice a
striking difference in the way that madrid and london have dealt with
the terrorist attacks in their cities.

if you catch the madrid metro in the morning (or at any time of day or
night), you are guaranteed to see at least two security guards at each
metro station. they all have batons, some of them have guns and the
lucky ones have dogs. you get off the train at atocha on one of the
platforms that was targeted, and a security guard will be stood by
every door - trousers tucked into boots.

you catch the underground in london and you see nobody like this; just
the underground workers (not wombles). on the escalators in london
there are posters that say 'it's up to all of us' as well as, of
course (as is the case in most of england) millions of cctv cameras.

so in madrid, you feel safe because there are men with guns and dogs
who have the responsibility of protecting you, whereas in london it's
the responsibility of the people to look out for each other.

which is better? impossible to tell, but unfortunately, it feels much
safer to travel on the madrid metro with the dogs and guns.

welcome to england (mind the gap)

2006-03-13T14:11:00.000Z

my trip to england was fantastic.

seeing everyone on friday was a blast (plus, seeing so many people at
one time saved me some flight costs!). having a pint of strongbow in
wetherspoons, switching on the tv and NOT feeling like i was in a
listening exam, as well as crumpets, were just some of the other
highlights.

i didn't realise how pleased i was to be back in england. i feel i've
settled in quite comfortably in madrid, and thought it was people that
i missed rather than the homeland. but despite it being freezing all
weekend and costing me a fortune in travel tickets, you've got to love
it.

the fact we have a megatrain. the fact that nobodies have their own tv
shows and supermarkets their own radio stations. the fact we shake
hands. hot cross buns and onion bhajees. the fact we've turned 'deal
or no deal' into something similar to a live autopsy documentary,
instead of the spanish rainbow-coloured-ugly-brigade version. the
amount of time people fanny around trying to say the simplest things;
you couldn't be anywhere else - and why would you want to be...

ah, england

2006-03-09T12:47:00.000Z

arrived at my usual metro stop this morning to be bombarded by about
six different people, each trying to give me their own respective free
newspaper, dressed in corporate-coloured ponchos.

to be honest, i quite like having something to read on the train, but
i don't need six papers that all tell me the same thing. plus, add to
the melee people leaving the metro and unfortunate people (like me)
trying to enter the metro, you end up with a papier maché bundle of
confusion. what a way to wake up in the morning.

however, tonight i fly back to england, where this bombardment of
freebies will definately not occur - mainly because you have to pay
for everything in england. except manners, of course (thanks, mrs
mcleod).

for those of you that remember the disaster of when i arrived back
from madrid for xmas at london luton airport, you
will be amused to hear that once again i shall be flying there
tonight. my flight arrives at 11pm and although london is in the name
of the airport, it's a bus and train ride away.

not only that, by the time i get to london, the underground will have
shut. for a city that has the motto londON, i'm not so convinced when
the underground closes before one in the morning.

ho hum. see y'all tomorrow.

bring me sunshine

2006-03-04T13:13:00.000Z

it's a rainy saturday in madrid.

the traffic jams would be bearable except for the fact that every
driver feels the need to honk. and these aren't just little pips,
these are hold-my-elbow-on-my-horn honks. when you walk past one doing
it, it hurts your head but when the rest of the street starts, you
want to start throwing some bricks through windows. it will make no
difference, you are going nowhere...so stoppit!

added to that, yesterday i saw a man up a ladder fannying around with
some wires. not only had he blocked off the entire pavement with his
ladder, but had rested the feet of it IN the road. wing mirrors were
going by inches from this idiot - i was just waiting for a van to
knock that pillock off his perch.

plus, next thursday when i arrive home at london luton airport (don't
let the london bit fool you - the airport's actually in luton!!) i
have to get a bus then a train to get the city. by that time, the
underground will have closed. i ask you, how can a city with the motto
londON have an underground system that shuts before 1am?

yep, today matt's in a grumpy mood (although i have just seen a man
with an eu umbrella, which has cheered me up no end - respect, my
friend...respect.)

the memoirs

2006-02-28T18:44:00.000Z

so i'm on the phone to han in the internet cafe and david guetta
'stay' is playing on the radio.

ah, im flodded with memories of the 94 margate boys...sniff sniff

photomania

2006-02-28T14:04:00.000Z

i've uploaded some more photos of this ol' life in spain onto the interweb. the handy links are situated to your right and include my visit to brussels, toledo and avila, as well as a night in pacha and that age old game of where's wally, with a pickles...enjoy

"carnaval, te quiero..."

2006-02-28T13:48:00.000Z

as that famous carnaval song goes, 'carnaval, i love you'...and i do.

friday, i went to school to join in the shennanigans of carnaval. you
may have seen me; i was the one in the corner with the big red wig, a
beautiful moustache and glittery golden cheeks.

i was in charge of presenting the carnaval in english. 'and now the
four year olds will perform the dance of the typewriter' and so-forth.
of course, my enthusiastic introductioning skills were met with
applause that measured approximately 0.0 on the applause-o-meter. the
main reasons for this were that the audience consisted of spanish
parents and the kids ranged from three to five years old.

nevertheless, a good time was had by all.

tag me

2006-02-21T12:48:00.000Z

a cold front has arrived over madrid, bringing with it snow, rain and
general wind. this means the weekend involved indoor activites. as a
result, all of the music on my ipod has been tagged with the correct
genre field.

some people may call that sad; i call that two hours well spent.

asked with sincerity

2006-02-18T15:12:00.000Z

spent my thursday evening with a couple of americans; who are actually
cream of the crop americans, none of the usual rubbish.

but imagine my delight when one of them dropped the bomb of 'are there
many castles in england?'

i believe we hastily concluded that there were actually more castles
in scotland, before i rushed to the toilet to mop the piss out of my
pants.

another mannequin death

2006-02-18T15:02:00.000Z

after my rather embarassing encounter with a pair of
mamakins/manakins/ mannequins legs last saturday, somebody did
actually die in the building opposite our house this week.

my housemate saw them being transported from the hostal in which they
died - her hairdresser told her that their death was not natural (you
can tell by the type of van they get picked up in).

it's possible it could have been another mannequin that died; but i
don't think you need a bodybag or a special van to transport a giant
barbie doll.

when i transport mannequins, i just carry them over my shoulder...

bombilla, torcer and ?

2006-02-15T23:30:00.000Z

i went into an electricians shop yesterday to buy a new bulb for my desk lamp.

i looked up 'bulb' in the dictionary as well as the verb 'to turn'.

i was prepared. what could go wrong..?

'hello, do you have an r50 bulb please?'

'yes, how many watts?'

'erm...a screw one.'

'yes, how many watts?'

'erm, i only need one.'

'yes, how many watts?'

'oh, 25 watts.'

that language barrier... it's not as high as it used to be, but i
still trip over it every now and then. duh.

death on hortaleza

2006-02-13T12:17:00.000Z

it's saturday and i'm moved onto my balcony by the sound of the
obligatory weekend emergency service siren. it's a fire engine. it
stops about 30 metres down my street and is closely followed by an
ambulance and a police car. between them, they close the street to
traffic. they're all milling around in the street whilst i'm trying to
figure out what they're up to - there's no smoke, no traffic accident,
i'm curious.

i look up at the building to which they're entering, and i see two
legs hanging out between the railings of the balcony on the third
floor. they appear to be women's legs, naked and still. there's a
flash of panic, as i contemplate the probability of an axe weilding
murderer roaming the streets of chueca.

suddenly, the paramedics bring out a woman from the door of the
building. she looks quite upset. then, once she'd climbed into the
ambulance, all of them disappeared.

as the flow of traffic resumed and pedestrians began to walk beneath
the legs again, i stood there transfixed on them. surely, they can't
just leave a dead body hanging out over the pavement like that?

after about 15 minutes, i realised i was hungry, went inside and
forgot about the legs.

on the way to the supermarket later that day, i passed the legs - they
belong to a mamakin.

boy, did i feel like a tit.

the letter i

2006-02-02T13:32:00.000Z

today, i introduced a the letter i to forty 6 year olds.

when they learn a new letter, they do a worksheet from a lett's book
that drills new vocabulary and the new letter into their little heads.
they have to circle the letter i in the alphabet, colour the words
that begin with i, repeat all the i words and then it tells them to
draw a picture at the bottom. today, it said 'draw a tin in a bin'

having just learnt six new i words, circled the letter, coloured in
and repeated all the i words, they got to the bottom of the page to
draw a picture of a tin in a bin (NB neither of those words start with
i).

i can tell you, a picture of a tin IN a bin is very boring; it
basically resembles a rectangle (because ofcourse the tin is inside).
secondly, having just learnt six new words, they are drawing a picture
of things beginning with t and b.

because learning english isn't complicated enough...

guilt trip

2006-02-01T12:12:00.000Z

the people who work in the news kiosks dotted about the pavement in
spain went on strike the other day because they aren't allowed to sell
cigarettes.

my favourite spanish newsreader introduced the story the night before,
with this gem;

'if you're going to buy a porn mag tomorrow morning, you may have trouble...'

legendary, just legendary.

brussels rocks

2006-01-29T18:42:00.000Z

last night we went vip to le you, a club full of beautiful people who know it. one table, a comfy sofa and a bottle of whiskey that cost as much as kester spent going to the toilet (50c a time), made us feel very important people indeed. did you know that €95 for the bottle was actually a good deal? no, it took me some convincing too...

but boy, did we get our money's worth. if the belgians didn't know how to dance before last night, me and dobbo taught them. representing the uk on the continent, gaying it up has rarely been so successful.

left about 5:30, to the disappointment of kester, who'd managed to pull a woman with the frissiest hair this side of the geraardsbergen. she spoke no english, but that didn't matter as they spoke in tongues. if only she knew that he was to wake up in bed with a man for the second consecutive morning ;)

oh, and as we left the club, guess what kester did? yep, tip the doorman (that's hypocritical).

ryanair - where don't you want to go today?

2006-01-28T16:17:00.000Z

going to brussels for this weekend to see kester.

flights from madrid to brussels were rather expensive, so i thought
i'd break my ryanair virginity and fly to brussels from valladolid
(where is that?).

- i paid €25 return for my flight. thats a bargain.
- i then paid €18.99 in taxes - not to bad, its gotta be expected.
- i then paid €10.18 in an 'aviation levy' (for the privilege of
flying on an aeroplane, obviously).
- i then paid €20 on a three hour bus ticket to get me to the spanish airport.
- and when i landed, i paid another €10.50 to get me to the city i
wanted to be in.

when i arrived at valladolid airport three hours early, my flight was
second from the top on the departures list. there were eight check-in
desks and one shop.

i left spain during a snow storm, on a plane that was desinged by
linda barker; the backs of the seats were yellow and the rest of the
plane was blue. there were no seat pockets, so the emergency
procedures were stuck to the back of the seat in front. sitting
normally was a constant reminder of what to do if the play caught fire
or the oxygen failed.

i will never do it again - i flew from a barn in spain, to a barn in
belgium. seriously folks, spend the money on a proper flight with a
proper airline.

bankers

2006-01-24T12:29:00.000Z

went to the bank today to get me some extra cash for my excursion to
brussels. i have to go into the bank everytime i want money and
withdraw it myself, because i don't have a bank card.

i opened my bank account beginning of november; they promised a card
in three weeks. when it didn't arrive, i assumed it was being hand
crafted at barclays hq in england, before being sent to the moon for
processing and flown directly to spain via a relay of one-winged
insects.

almost three months later, they told me that my card will arrive this
week. i signed my piece of paper and asked if i could collect it
friday morning before boarding my 3 hour bus to the airport for my
flight to brussels (ryanair, i will deal with at a later date).

she thought for a little while. 'let's see, today is
tuesday...wednesday, thursday, fri...hmmm, it's possible that that
will be a little soon.'

barclays don't open saturdays.

at what point was my card going to arrive this week, eh?

same letter, but a continent apart

2006-01-23T12:43:00.000Z

you meet some stupid people.

i met one this weekend who said that you couldn't get decent chinese
food in spain. i contested, 'i've had excellent chinese in madrid, it
was really nice.'

'nope,' she replied, 'it's not as good as in america. same with
mexican. mexican food sucks here, but in america it rocks because
mexico is next to california.'

'but chinese can still be good if it's not cooked in china,' i said.

'no it can't.'

i put on my confused face. before, deciding to ram her into the ground
with what she'd just said.

'so if mexican is so good because mexico borders america, why is
chinese food so good in america and not spain?' surely, if china
borders neither america nor spain, they should both be equally bad at
cooking chinese food.

i wasn't disappointed with the response. she raised both hands,
shoulder width apart.

'er, helloo,' she said, 'china (indicating with her right hand).
america (indicating with her left).'

'what the...?' i had one question. i asked it. 'what about the PACIFIC OCEAN?'

no response. she had obviously been thinking of canada.

in between television that sucks...

2006-01-17T12:44:00.000Z

there's some crackin' little adverts on telly at the moment.

one for coffee called bonka. in typical coffee advert style, there's
lots of romantic, swirling, brown images of a man and a woman with a
rousing classical accompaniment. all is normal until the end, when
this deep, booming voice says 'BONKA' - classic.

the other one is for special k, so you may have seen it. a woman,
dressed in nothing but toit hot pants and a bra, walks into the
bathroom to weigh herself. as she stands on the scales a big brown
foot pushes on the back, making her weight go up. she is distraught.
as the camera pans out, the owner of the foot is revealed; a menacing
looking christmas tree, complete with decorations. brilliant.

gotta be noted that i've fallen in love with a couple of cars thanks
to their tv adverts. firstly, the new honda civic - phwoar.

and secondly, the new fiat punto (which i don't think is in england yet) -
phwoar, also.

giving the people what they want

2006-01-14T12:33:00.000Z

came across this article in the paper earlier this week (link).

the pictured skip is on my street, in front of a sex shop that is in
the process of being 'refurbished'. as a result, on the day in
question it was being filled with dirty magazines. the headline reads,
'hot magazines in a cold skip.'

i can actually see the skip from my mini-balcony; but by the time i
got home to have a look, the magazines had been covered over with
about a ton of hardcore.

intercultural malarky

2006-01-11T14:57:00.000Z

i'm getting quite good at this interculturalism.

i ate my dinner yesterday with my french housemate. we talked in
spanish whilst he made harry potter and billy elliott jokes (which i
will never get tired of hearing...)

he was impressed with my cooking skills; lucky, as this was the first
night since i've lived there i haven't had pasta.

(it was pizza, if you're interested, with yes, avocado. old habits die
hard, eh boys!!)

the return

2006-01-09T12:17:00.000Z

first day back. where do i start. so much to say, here goes...

- landing at luton airport in december was a culture shock. no
'welcome to england' signs, only a cctv camera and a no smoking
poster. the queue at immigration went on for about twenty minutes,
winding around those rope barriers amongst signs that tell you to
'stay in line'. pointless. WHERE ELSE CAN YOU GO??

the immigration woman ignored my passport photo and instead ran it
excrutiatingly slowly through a computer - because it obviously had
better eyes.

baggage for four flights came out on one belt, whilst the other two
went round empty; blatantly taking the piss.

needless to say, luton was perhaps not the best place to start my return.

- ramsey, however, was tonking. passive cancer is alive and well in
the george (do they need air con or what?!) and i hadn't realised how
much i'd missed strongbow.

- new years eve in london was awesome. drunk jane and fat laura were
on form, as were the million stampeding people on westminster bridge
and that peace protester i swore at. multicultural london at its best.
35 people were stabbed (link).

- bezzer st ezzer was also good fun. sitting in the dog and partridge
eating 'tapas' that consisted of cumberland sausage washed down with a
pint of ipa (hmm, really traditional). was good to see turner in home
surroundings, even if he does have shit taste in shoe shops (what were
you thinking?!).

- and in a sheer stroke of luck, i left just as celebrity big brother
started. lucky that, because i was about to get annoyed that an mp was
in there - no wonder our politicians gain no respect.

phew. it's getting a bit deep...

2005-12-21T12:45:00.000Z

it's funny.

whilst i'm enjoying very much my time here in madrid, there are some
things which catch you unawares and make you realise it's just not
england; that it's all still a little uncomfortable.

today, i was invited by the pe teacher to go to watch football with
him and his dad this evening. this is the same guy who i went on the
school skiing trip with, and spent much time sat in a chairlift
passively absorbing swear words in spanish. whilst conversations are a
real struggle (he don't speaky the english) i find it quite touching
that he is willing to persevere through an afternoon with me at a
football match.

i was touched.

but, the fact there is no word for home in spanish has made me
philosophociphial. home, with all it's connotations, just isn't the
same as house. i am going home tomorrow, but today i will go to my
house.

in spain, quite literally, there is no place like home.

my new hat

2005-12-19T12:03:00.000Z

to say that all the english talk about is the weather, is a fair assessment.

however, banter regarding the weather exists here aswell. as i sat
down for breakfast at work today, i was greeted by weather moans. the
thing is, because my school is 30 mins ouside of madrid, the air is a
little clearer, thus a little colder (i can see the big grey pollution
cloud on the train every moprning) and i never learn.

until now, because yesterday i bought a new hat. it's orange. i'll be
wearing it tomorrow just so that i can retort, 'you may well be cold,
my friends, but i have an orange hat.'

light up, light up

2005-12-14T12:21:00.000Z

the end of this month sees the start of a smoking ban in spain.

i'm intrigued. somehow i can't see it working partricularly well. this
is the country where a pack costs 3 euros-ish or under, and are sold
in state owned cigarette shops. this is the country where you can't
smoke in bus stations or on train platforms, but the bins have
ashtrays. this is the country where metro employees smoke in their
ticket offices, where bus drivers smoke on their buses with passengers
on board and where headteachers smoke in classrooms when no-one's
looking.

to be honest, if people ignore no smoking areas at the moment, what's
the hope of making every hotel, restaurant, bar, cafe and bus station
smoke free? i'll tell you; somewhere between zero and portugal.

so little to do, so much time

2005-12-13T17:21:00.000Z

the teacher who i normally work with has been ill this week and as a
result i've had very little to do. normally, this is no problem, but
the internet at work is broken. this means i have to find other means
of entertainment and thus, i have concluded...

- i'm fed up with almost all the music on my ipod.

- reading the paper isn't that time consuming.

- reading a different paper about the same stories takes a little longer.

- sudoku is too difficult.

- reading the spanish dictionary is like injecting seawater into your eyeballs.

so yesterday, myself and jane (fellow englisher) took ourselves on a
walk to counteract internet withdrawal symptons (i.e. boredom). after
walking around the forecourts of both the local bmw and seat garages,
we ended up in a supermarket carpark watching trains arriving at the
station and planes landing at the air base; feeling like a right
couple of chavs.

today, things progressed.

we sat at junction 15 of the N-401 between madrid and toledo (you
know, the grassy bit in the middle of the road that curves round when
you pull off the motorway). thats right, we did some listening to will
young.

god, i hope the internet's working tomorrow.

NB click here to see junction 15 of the N-401.

how can you top sleepironing? well...

2005-12-07T11:51:00.000Z

last night, i arrived home to find the flat in darkness (this is
normal, our hall lights are on a timer - ian, any bypass ideas?!). i
could hear the tv on in the lounge and passed through it on the way to
the kitchen.

sat in darkness, in the lounge, watching telly, was one of my male
french housemates in a face mask.

you couldn't make it up

xmas is coming

2005-12-04T20:30:00.000Z

in madrid, there are quite a lot of blokes who sell dodgy
cd's/dvd's/perfume, etc illegally. it's all dodgy, sold on sheets of
fabric with string tied in each corner so they can make a quick
getaway when they see the police.

it's obviously illegal. there's tv campaigns saying that it's the
responsibility of the consumer not to buy the stuff. they spend a
fortune promoting the protection of intellectual property.

except the police do nothing. today, in the centre of madrid
(picadilly circus equivalent), maybe twenty blokes all stood selling
black market gear and were doing a roaring trade. the police, stood
the other side of the square, oblivious. it's not that they turn a
blind eye, it's that they don't see it. as i stood there watching,
there was a police van parked twenty metres away, whilst TWO drove
past the pavement where these blokes were selling their stuff, hidden
by the crowds that surrounded them.

these blokes sell their stuff everywhere, on the metro, on the
streets, right under the noses of the police and make the authorities
look like a complete laughing stock.

pacha

2005-12-04T20:20:00.000Z

went to pacha on friday.

incredible sound. awesome lighting. decent dj. and, i did some dancing
on the podium.

my name was on the guest list (it's who you know) and even though
everyone female in our group got in free, i paid 12 euros along with
my french, male companion. surely pacha madrid isn't sexist?

as a result, i stole as much as i could. so shove that up your arse, pacha.

sleepironing

2005-11-30T14:12:00.000Z

so, i got up to go the toilet last night at about 5am, and (being the
multicultural household that we are), stumbled across someone in the
living room who didn't speak my language. he was ironing.

hmmm, bit strange. i did my business, wondering whether it was all a
dream, before exiting the toilet, exchanging 'hola's' with the ironer,
and heading back to bed.

this morning i awoke to find three neatly arranged piles of stuff in
the kitchen. a pile of tea, a pile of coffee and several bottles of
half finished booze. in front of every pile was a note, written in the
ironers handwriting. the one in front of the teabags said, 'for the
english;' the one in front of the coffee said 'for the french;' and
the one in front of the booze said, 'for everybody!'

i wonder what night time activites he'll get up to tonight, because i
bet you it won't be sleeping. and maybe i'll end up with some pasta.

earthquake in iran

2005-11-28T12:29:00.000Z

ok, so george best is dead.

the focus of the story here is the tributes in england. and about the
fact that on british news, they stood outside the hospital doing a
countdown to his death.

one of the greatest footballers that england produced? i don't know. i
wasn't alive then. all i remember him for was being a drunk. headlines
such as 'GEORGE BEST, PISSED AGAIN' are about as interesting as
'GEORGE BEST, DEAD THANKS TO ALCOHOL.'

whilst tragic, i don't really have any time to hear about a
self-inflicted, twenty year suicide.

your emergency can wait

2005-11-28T12:04:00.000Z

i live on a one way, single lane street.

as a result, whenever someone tries to park, or a bus stops, or a taxi
dumps its passengers, there's big trouble.

friday night, i stumbled upon an ambulance, stuck in such a traffic
jam, attempting to turn right off my street. sirens wailing, lights
flashing, one paramedic in the road trying to get the cars to squash
up so her luminous yellow friend could fit around this corner. to no
avail.

there seems a real stubborness to let emergency vehicles through in
this city. almost as if they don't have the right to dodge the traffic
jam and should suffer like everyone else.

the paramedic in the road stood arms crossed; the paramedic in the
ambulance lit up a fag. what more could they do?

if ever there was a need for paramedic on a bicycle, this is it.

the american, and recorder playing dogs

2005-11-25T14:24:00.000Z

on monday night, i was walking home when an american man stopped me.

he told me he'd been in a car accident after two weeks of camping. he
had been seperated from his friends and needed some cash to get back
to his hotel. for some reason, i felt sorry for him and gave him the
10 euros he needed. there was something about his story and his
personality that was honest. i believed he was in genuine need. and
why would you beg for money in english, in a non-english speaking
country?

he said he would pay me back the next day, but surprisingly, didn't turn up.

turns out, he was lying to me. jane saw him last night telling the
same cock-and-bull story to some english people, who also handed over
some cash. i am angry.

however, i was on the phone last night to hannah (in the street) when
two tramps with four dogs set up camp next to me and started playing
the recorder. i watched as many people just brushed past them angrily,
putting on the same pissed off face i usually wear when a tramp stands
in my way, palms outstretched.

something in me melted. i thought to myself 'i'm going home to a flat
where the heating is never off, to eat and have a shower and when i'm
in bed, this lot will still be here.' i gave them 2 euros.

whereas, the american scummer would have been getting pissed somewhere
and sleeping on my 10 euro note. bastard.

matt is a madrileño

2005-11-21T12:06:00.000Z

i have a flat!!

moved in yesterday, and had falafel for lunch. could the day have been
any better?!

having met my english housemates on friday, it was only the french
ones who were eluding me. we met in the hall as we were walking past
each other, i said to them (in spanish, as they don't speak english)
'i live here, and you?' - very surreal.

so i unpacked, and sat on my mini-balcony drinking a beer and watching
the man couples with ridiculously small dogs walking four floors
beneath me (yep, i live in the gay district). it felt good.

i met the brasilian housemate a bit later (he lives in a cupboard) in
the same place i met the french, but i didn't exchange conversation
with him - it was late, i felt vulnerable dressed in pyjamas and the
hall is very narrow; we were in very close quarters.

if there was a complete opposite to 94 margate (class of 2005), this is it.

matt has a flat!

2005-11-18T16:07:00.000Z

i have found a flat, i think.

quite a nice place with two english and two french erasmus peeps. my
room is quite large, decent kitchen, pokey lounge, two bathrooms and
tv.

trouble is, the landlord speaks very quickly, and i found it difficult
over the phone to interpret when was a good time to move in. i got the
day, sunday. but the time? anyone's guess.

so, if any of you are feeling flashy and fancy a weekend in madrid,
you're more than welcome to stay with me...on the floor...if i've
moved in by then...ahem

FACT: the queen does NOT live in the embassy

2005-11-18T09:10:00.000Z

so matt went to the british embassy yesterday. yeh baby!!

it was for a 'teaching english as a foreign language educational software seminar' - first class english drivvle. felt a little bit out of place, wasn't really a meeting for the benefit of teachers, let alone pretend ones.

but i'm about to head off to madrid, got a busy day ahead trying to find a flat. hopefully, it will be more successful than my stealing-something-from-the-embassy attempt - there was nothing :(